Earlier this week, a Purge TV show became a reality, with USA and Syfy both agreeing to air a 10-episode series based on the popular movies. The catch is, the series will focus on the 364 days a year when the Purge doesn’t take place. The Purge TV show will be Purge-less. Honestly, it will probably be fine. It might even be good. But we’re still going to have fun with it anyway.
A young married couple, Brent and Sarah, has been planning a vacation. Sarah bounds into the living room with good news.
SARAH: Great news, I just booked our Italian vacation.
BRENT: Oh, nice.
SARAH: Our flight leaves on March 17 and we come back on the 31st. I called the hotel and they said th-… what’s wrong? You’re making a face.
BRENT: It’s just… if we’re in Italy on the 21st…
SARAH: Oh God. Is this about the stupid Purge?
BRENT: I don’t wanna miss it! Me and the guys were gonna go to Best Buy and purge new big screen TVs.
SARAH: Ugh, why don’t you just buy a new TV? You make $250,000 a year at the law firm. You don’t have to steal one.
BRENT: [muttering] It’s not the same.
SARAH: Well, I’m sorry, but the vacation has been booked. We’ll be in Italy. You’ll just have to take one year off of purging.
BRENT: [still muttering] Well then maybe I’ll just purge myself some gelato while we’re there.
SARAH: What was that?
A man, Henry, rushes into Wal-Mart the night before the Purge. The shelves are mostly empty. Henry is panicked. He tracks down an employee.
HENRY: Hey, do you have anything I can use in the Purge tomorrow? Like, weapons?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Isn’t it a little late to be Purge shopping, sir.
HENRY: I know, I know. I was just so busy. Do you guys have any guns left?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope, outta guns.
HENRY: Hunting knives?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Outta them, too.
HENRY: Regular knives, like for the kitchen?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope.
HENRY: Baseball bats? Hockey sticks? Golf clubs?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Just sold my last set of clubs not 20 minutes ago.
HENRY: Well, do you have anything I can use?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I got a rake.
HENRY: A rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yup.
HENRY: How am I supposed to purge with a rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I’ve seen people purge with a rake.
HENRY: I… is it at least a metal rake? Or does it have a wooden shaft I can sharpen into a spear?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Nope. Plastic. It’s one of those little children’s rakes.
HENRY: Hold on. You’re telling me the only thing even resembling a weapon in this entire store is a plastic children’s rake?
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir.
HENRY: But you can’t kill someone with a plastic children’s rake.
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: I suppose not. Seems to be the point, actually. Can’t have kids getting hurt and all.
HENRY: Ugh. Okay, fine. Give me the rake. I’ll figure something out. Lemme just go grab some Sour Patch Kids and I’ll meet you at the register.
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE: We’re out of Sour Patch Kids.
Trevor, age 33, throws open the front door of his modest two-bedroom home in his quiet development and charges outside at 7:15 AM, dressed in all black and an orange mask that he has written “EVIL” on in black magic marker. He smashes his neighbor’s mailbox with a baseball bat
TREVOR: PURGE, MOTHERF*CKERS!
Trevor looks around and realizes no one else is purging. His neighbor, Carl, whose mailbox he just smashed, is standing in his driveway, holding his just-delivered newspaper.
CARL: Purge is tomorrow, Trevor.
They both look at Carl’s mangled mailbox.
TREVOR: Uh… sorry, Carl.
Three friends, Alanna, Becky, and Julia, are at a fancy downtown coffee shop, deep in conversation.
BECKY: … and that wasn’t even the worst one. Look at this.
JULIA: Oh my God, is he wearing a fedora and holding a snake?
BECKY: Look closer.
JULIA: Wait… is that…
ALANNA: A second snake?
JULIA: I dare you to swipe right.
ALANNA: Hey, whatever happened to that other guy, Paul?
BECKY: Paul was nice, I guess. There just wasn’t any magic there. And he did that weird thing with his throat.
JULIA: The phlegm?
BECKY: You noticed, too?
JULIA: Oh, we all noticed.
ALANNA: Yeah. It was like he was trying to cough up a whole oyster, but constantly.
BECKY: [Laughing.] Alanna!
ALANNA: Sorry. It’s true, though.
JULIA: Okay okay, who’s next after Two Snakes? Lemme see.
BECKY: Hold on. I’ll pull it up. Hey, by the way… does this coffee taste, I dunno, different to you guys?
ALANNA: Yeah, it’s not the same without the old barista. He was an artist. What was his name? Paulo?
JULIA: Yeah! Paulo! I miss that guy.
ALANNA: We shouldn’t have killed him during the last Purge.
BECKY: Why did we do that again, anyway?
ALANNA: They stopped serving those little hazelnut biscotti.
JULIA: Ahhh, right. I remember now. I guess that really wasn’t even his fault, now that I think about.
BECKY: Hmm. You’re probably right. Okay, next up is… oh no. This one is holding a snake, too!
They all laugh.
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